First World Problem of the Week.

People can be so stupid sometimes.

 

People who ruin friendships over petty nonsense are truly doomed to a lonely life where they view people as disposable and expendable. What a sad and pathetic way to live.

Don't be that person. Try your hardest to bring things to a positive end, no matter what hurtful, hateful and vicious things anyone else does or says. Trust me, you'll come out happier, healthier and stronger in the end.

Ironically enough, The Department for Solving First World Problems can be

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I'm Becoming An Old Bastard.

By: JP

Recently my wife and I shared a our mutual birthday. Yes, we have the same birthDAY, not year mind you, but day, which makes for a really epic time of year when we both begin that arduous process of self reflection and copious amounts of drinking. Needless to say, I think I lost 2 days to oblivion. No, not the Xbox game, the place within reality that all things end up once the internets is done chewing it to dust.

Though, I did lose 3 months to that game once. I'm still not really sure what happened.

After having reached a cathartic level of self reflection, while coincidentally reaching a comparable level of soberness, I have come to some conclusions I'd like to share with you about aging, friends, progress and anything I'd like to make up for the general sake of content.

Age

Passing my mid 30s this year got me thinking about a lot of things regarding the implied and actual meaning of what a number represents. What is age 36 really mean?

The scientific meaning is that I've actually lived for a total of 36 complete 365 day cycles. This meaning is a bunch of dry and useless garbage. Hurray! I've lived for X amount of time! I'm special. Ugh.

Pictured: Level 89 oldness, but level 223 awesomeness.

The ideal meaning is that I've had 36 years to learn lessons, gain wisdom, experience sensations and gather skill and knowledge while simultaneously processing all that into a cohesive personality and character that won't get me killed while I push the limits of rules, social acceptance and rhetorical interplay.  This meaning feels like the right one and keeps open the possibility that I am capable of bringing about a mental enlightenment based on the mentioned criteria. Hurray! I'm a fucking smart ass with access to resources, time and opportunity that you don't, while being liquid-injected into a personality mold formed from social, economical and barely believable propaganda! I'm special. Ugh.

What I think it means. I'm getting older everyday and I want to be living the most possible life I can, not chasing the dreams I make up in my head. I want to be surrounded by people I can appreciate as much as they appreciate me and most importantly, I want to do and say what I feel, not censor myself for the sake of philistines and trolls. I'm not special. I'm human and damn it! I"m not going to take this anymore!

I'm coming for you.
Yes you, you non-contributing drain on existence.

Friends

The birthday party my wife and I had was an epic affair of substance abuse rallied around a group of friends for nearly 17 hours of mutual debauchery. I'm not actually exaggerating. It was a special kind of crazy usually reserved for social gatherings where everyone is accidentally slipped acid in their Kool-aid, not that that happened, though I wished it had.

This guy fucking hates barriers.
With a passion usually reserved for self-loathing anarchists.

Here were some party highlights...

Problem Solved! Goddamn, It's About Time!

By: JP

Our collective first world lives are rife with an unending barrage of first world problems, many of which require the genius of some brilliant person to simply take the time needed to invent a device or algorithm for the sole purpose of fixing them.

Pictured: The truthiest of all truths that
has ever been truthfully told.

I introduce to you, ladies and gentlemen, for your viewing and complete judgmental capabilities, the most sought after engineer/problem solver the earth has ever known. Yes, that's right, I could only mean the famous and potentially last remaining truly renaissance man: David Neevel. The man who single handedly solved one of the greatest crisis of all time, yes the one thing that has been plagueing the lives of human beings since the dawn of time, space and reality:

Removing the cream from Oreo cookies.

Behold this video of pure radiant enlightenment and bask in the unrivaled awe inspiring glory that this titan of man sheds as you, and all that you will ever do, is rendered into a gooey paste of stinking useless garbage. Also, his mustache has it's own 3rd world cult. Fact [editor's note: that is not a fact].

In all honesty, this guy might be Jesus.

Now that you've returned to reading this article and have most likely just lost 17 hours to replaying that video over and over again, we here at The DfSFWP would like to state the following truth about that video: We loved the fucking shit out of those opening credits. They are a sublime mix of ascii inspired animated design topped with a midi soundtrack ripped from the bloody guts of a forgotten time (the 80s) and are only second in unbridled awesomeness to the very video itself.

As a way for The DfSFWP to fully communicate how our lives here have been changed and by how much we want David Neevel to be given the title of President of All Known Reality for Life, we present the three highest honors that we can bestow.

Once you've stopped having an 8 minute orgasm in your own pants about how you can now remove the cream from your Oreos using an obviously greater amount of effort, energy and resources than you had before, you may return to your shallow world of non-contributing pointlessness.

Thank you.

FUCK YEAH!

Ironically enough, The Department for Solving First World Problems can be

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I Hate When my Hair Won't Curl

It's true.

Ironically enough, The Department for Solving First World Problems can be

found throughout the internet:

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So go visit us.

We Laugh at Ourselves Too... for the Record.

By: JP

As many of our loyal readers understand, we here at the DfSFWP love to poke tremendous amounts of fun at the various trivial and mediocre aspects of this fine collection of first world nations we call home. Poking fun directly at ourselves in that honest and tried method of self deprecation for the sake of audience sympathy and general acknowledgment is one of this world's true displays of wisdom. That and pretending to be modest at how fucking epic we are here at The Department for Solving First World Problems.

It's true. That's why we make fun of you instead. It's easier.

Well, to satisfy this aspect of our goals and to let you, the trusted and faithful reader know that we are committed to pointing our hilariously judgmental gaze not only at you, but at ourselves, I present an article written by Jill Knapp, a writer at The Huffington Post. Here is an excerpt. If you like the intro to her article, please read it at the source.

"I wanted to talk a little about the term First World Problems (or "White People Problems" as some people say), and how ridiculous I think it is."~Jill Knapp source

Well, If you've made this far that means that you either refused to read the article and felt that our quoted intro was enough for you and now you're going to go play video games or fondle your own genitals, both of which we support as a general rule OR you returned to us feeling a level of enlightenment reserved for the Sovereign Grand Commander of the Scottish Rite Masons. At least we hope so anyway.

Pictured: The enlightened self awareness of Masons.

Ironically enough, The Department for Solving First World Problems can be

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Like, Share, Post, Follow, Pin: The New Pointlessness.

By: JP

Reread this article's title. Now, admit it, you do those things, I do those things... we all do those things. Lets be honest with ourselves here, our entire collective reasons for even using free social network services is to do those things, or for trolling our friend's photos and friends list. We do them without even thinking anymore, like when you're the only that doesn't notice you picking your nose.

Like, Share, Post, Follow, Pin (also Tweet, Retweet, Instagram, Push... etc) are the new gate keys to online communication and the essential aspect of letting those around you know what you created, support, enjoy, hate or otherwise have four cents worth of opinion about. Truly, what would the modern internets be without these core concepts?

For no reason other than SEO... Nerd Boobs.
Please Pinterest this image.

So, "What's my point?" you ask... here goes.

We are all sharing the equivalent of inert, single celled slime-blobs 98.6% of the time and we love the living shit out of ourselves for it [editor's note: that stat is unverified]. By single celled slime-blobs I am referring to the unending cascade of pointless stuff like simple thoughts we have, food we're about to shove into our face hole or some stupid, passive aggressive meme picture sent to us by our ruthlessly non-contributing, sophomoric cubicle mates. If that last one gave you a sense of personal hatred towards me, then that actually says more about you than me.

Please send hate mail to this address.

I look forward to reading your
uneducated and uninformed rant. Loser.
Please Pinterest this image.

Look, I'm as guilty as anyone for doing this reflexive button clicking and useless posting and that is why I'm writing this article, that and I need more content for you all to like, share and repost. I've noticed this first world endemic phenomenon and I get a deeply forbidding feeling that I'd compare to that moment when you realize that everything you ever do with end up dust and forgotten over any given time line.

I'm fortunate to have real people in my life who are genuine creators, doers, movers and shakers that I can offer support via my own hard earned and imporving skills as an illustrator. I do what I can for other people's ideas, which automatically allows me to engage in my own ideas. Win-Win.

Pictured: Typical party at my house, shakers and movers.
Please Pinterest this image.

I've made a point during my near constant connection to the online world to like, share, repost, tweet and retweet my friends genuinely created ideas and concepts no matter how hair-brained or useless they might end up being. The reason for this is simple: They are my friends and what they create is infinitely more interesting then some meme photo, a person's meals, or other truly useless stuff. I want to see my friend's ideas and concepts come to life and I will use my available tools to see that potentiality come to reality.

So having ranted and raved about liking, sharing, following, posting, pinning, tweeting and retweeting... would you mind doing the same for this article?

From one total jerk to another, thank you.

Ironically enough, The Department for Solving First World Problems can be

found throughout the internet:

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So go visit us.

First World Problems read by Third World People

Posted by: JP

Sometimes we all need a fresh dose of perspective served up

like a wet fish smashed against our smug little faces. 

Video courtesy of Everyone Matters